Akatsuki Secrets
by echosdusk
Summary: Orochimaru's been kicked out, Tobi's trying to get in, and the whole Shippuden thing hasn't happened yet. So, what do the Akatsuki do when they're all stuck together planning things? Let alone what do they do with nonexistant personal lives? No YAOI here!
1. Chapter 1

Akatsuki Secrets

_Authors Note: _You know what, I apologise for not speeding up the writing process so I could get other stuff up, I really am very sorry but I've had massive computer errors! So I hereby present this funny mini-series, after-all, I love the Akatsuki characters, and if you've read my sister's "Family Secrets", you'll see who my favourite is! So here's something made on the spur of the moment! And yes, I am quite insane!

* * *

Part One: "Give it up for Kiss-Me"

In the depths of a very large warehouse that doubles as a night club every weekend, there is a room of darkness and a thin beam of light from the bottom of a wooden slab. This slab is a door, a bedroom door, and it pulsates under the bouncing rhythm of old songs. Currently its occupant is hearing and dancing to a song called "Vogue" by a female artist known as "Madonna". The door itself has a name on it, and that name is….

"Itachi!" The roar from the blue figure of Kisame echoed beyond the music with an edge of desperation. His thick hands hammered the door and he begged his colleague to come out. Kisame was not in the usual Akatsuki robes either; he was dressed in a neat suit, though his head and sword remained their usual self though. "Come on! Hurry up! You promised to drive me to the studio!" There was silence as the music was turned down and a harsh voice whispered.

"I'm busy getting in touch with my emotional side!" It whispered harshly, but Kisame begged again. Itachi snorted at him in disgust. "Go get Pein to drive you! He's going into town tonight anyway!"

"But you know he'd flip out if he knew what I was doing!" Kisame whined, but then the music glared out in response.

* * *

Now consider a large studio filled with a jostling crowd of singles and eager relations, eagerly watching the three beauties on stage that were being picked apart by a stuck up bloke. Now imagine seven members or supposed members of the Akatsuki sitting in a row of seats in the middle of the room with a series of mixed faces.

Zetzu has the plant around his head and is not very pleased. People complain at him for blocking the view, and one side of him is fuming over such a thing, but also getting hungry. The other side is embarrassed and pleading against itself to shrink down or immerse with the seat. Kakuzu prowls the rows of bags and pockets of the row ahead of him, stabbing wherever he could get a moment. But beside him Hidan makes a great effort to annoy the person in front of him. This person had died about half an hour ago, but that doesn't stop Hidan making a mess that is annoying Deidara.

"Jabby-jab-jab-jab!" He grins as blood spurts about the place. But beside him is Deidara, and beside the strange blonde-haired loon, Tobi had already gone to sleep through boredom. The sight of the orange mask with a bubbling green snot ball poking in and out of the one eye hole was quite disturbing! Deidara pierces the crowd near the front where there is a disabled access area. Here the giant scorpion like puppet that forms the travelling Sasori sits. He is surrounded by drooling old people that keep wetting themselves or snoring, and he is quite annoyed. He wouldn't even be in the building if Itachi had not thought it funny to tell the studio guards that he was disabled. It would not have worked if Itachi had not stuck wheels to the puppet's bottom and announced that he had "fat-Ass Syndrome", which was a very rare disability!

"I wanna have your babies!" Konan screeched as she leapt out of her seat next to Pein and Itachi. She was trying to lift her robes to flash the man that had just selected the girl he wanted to go out with! Pein had knocked the box or strawberry poky from Itachi's arms and they were trying to hold her down. It was not very easy with the red glasses over Itachi's eyes, which were blinding him though they were supposed to prevent him from being noticed. But eventually Konan settled to asking the man in front of her the same thing. Itachi resumed his obsession with the sweet sticks whilst Pein watched the stage. He had a feeling that his two companions needed to visit some kind of therapist, though the poky was preventing Itachi from going Anorexic, slightly. Plus the therapy for Konan's sex addiction was showing vast improvements. But Pein was more concerned with the woman being led on stage.

Her name was announced as Momoko, and she had long dark hair, was not too skinny, had long legs, and a sweet face. At the sight of her, Konan erupted again but a random studio light hit her head. She dropped, and the light had cinder marks around the cabling and the audience were staring at Itachi somewhat fearfully. Momoko's eyes glittered as she blinked at them in surprise, but then she chuckled sweetly. This made Pein's greyish shade lit up in a smile. At first he had been annoyed by the idea of this kind of show, but now he wasn't as objective as the girl seemed really sweet.

But then the three men, who could not be seen by the girl, were introduced. The first was called Goro, and his body was littered in hair, tattoos, and a look of sheer boredom. Pein reckoned this bloke probably had as much personality as a wall in a public toilet, nothing charming at all. The second man was a clean, rich, smart, and attractive man. He was called Koichi, meaning wide-spread first son, and from one look of his smirking features, Pein could guess why. On this man's arrival, the air wreaked of charisma and Konan began to jump about, screaming out her reproductive status at him.

A twinkle of silver from the bottom row indicated that Sasori had prepared a poison jab to remove the competition. The pirate-puppet-thing had his sting raised and ready to get Koichi, though one of the elderly people had mistaken this for a dialysis device and was trying to attach himself. His tail swayed about to avoid the grubby urine-soaked hands, he would wait for Pein's signal, But the leader looked at him sharply and his head. They had promised not to interfere as long as they were in the building, though Konan had already tried to bribe the male host with the usual feminine methods.

"Now would you please all give it up for Kiss-Me!" The announcer roared before chuckling. A lot of other people were chuckling about the mispronunciation and Pein growled deeply in annoyance. People had hoped to see a dorky looking nerdy teenager emerge, but their faces turned to horror. As the big blue shark dude stepped on stage and sat down nervously on his stool, the sword still strapped to his back, the audience were visibly afraid. Though it was quite obvious to his fellows that Kisame was very nervous and acting quite shy already, every audience member was far too surprised to care. The silence and the looks on their face also sent an odd message to the young woman as she leaned on her stool to try and see before the presenter stepped to her side and explained the rules.

* * *

Now three questions were asked to the single men and there were two that were quite general, yet one was a little surprising. The first question was one on how they could describe themselves in one word.

"Ug!" Goro burped.

"Successful!" Koichi grinned with a slight chuckle.

"Sensitive" Kisame almost whispered, though it made Itachi choke and Tobi wake up suddenly.

"Where would you take me on our first date?" The girl questioned sweetly. But her response from Goro almost insulted her.

"To my bedroom!" Goro grinned.

"Anywhere you wish, I have money!" Koichi chuckled smugly, and the sound of Kakuzu cracking Hidan's knuckles and Hidan's screams of agony, echoed around the room.

"Somewhere nice, like a restaurant, or the beach, or a play maybe." Kisame responded quietly and yet politely.

But then a very personal and oddly embarrassing question pursed the lips of the young woman. At the mention, every ear leaned in to hear what would be the response.

"Where would you prefer to get intimate?"

"IN OIL!" Goro barked before falling backward off his stool. At this every eyebrow raised and Konan shook her head. Even the girl looked a little confused, though she definitely didn't want Goro.

"On my expensive yacht of course!" The rich man smirked and he flicked his long golden blonde hair to the side and grinned. Itachi had to swiftly remove his sweet box from the arms of the chair as Konan foamed visibly in excitement. Even the young contestant seemed to blush nervously. But then it was Kisame's turn and he was quaking and sweating nervously. At first he couldn't even get himself to say anything, but then he managed to wheeze the word "shower" out before slumping forward with embarrassment.

"He's doomed, far too sensitive!" Konan snorted beside the boss and then she waited for the girl's choice. To everyone in the audience, the only possible choice was Koichi as none of them could think of the poor girl stuck with Goro the monkey, let alone a strange love-sick shark.

* * *

"I have to go with Kiss-Me!" The girl smiled happily, and half the audience fainted, leaving them open to the cannibal, psychotic murderer, and the pick-pocket. Kisame was smiling with amazement and Pein was sitting up straight, beaming with pride. But Kakuzu and Deidara were commenting on how they would never get the show now, whereas Itachi groaned about the noise he could expect.

But when the other men departed and the girl prepared to meet her sweet and sensitive bloke, the audience were silent. Even the presenter was afraid, but then he let the pair know where they had won their date to, which was "Sea World", and then he lifted the divider. Quickly he galloped away as the girl looked at the blushing and smiling face of Kisame. But it was then that the delayed response from the girl kicked in. The girl screamed out at the top of her lungs and then ran away. Audience members then yelled at Kisame as he looked down at the ground, very upset. This Pein would not stand for.

"Get 'em Akatsuki! How dare they insult my boy?" Pein screamed and he ran at the crowd in preparation to kill. As usual there was a pause at Pein's reference; they were momentarily considering this statement, before returning to the original one. After all, they never needed much to encourage them to fight and kill anyone. As the slaughter began, Kisame slumped off stage, turned, and then yelled out in a slightly depressive way…

"I'm going to the aquarium!"

"EMO!" Itachi yelled at the slinking shark dude.

"He'll be on an all night binge now! Gorging on tropical fish flavoured comfort food!" Zetzu mused as he prepared to eat the man that had complained at him.

"Did we secure the Pfish Food Ice cream?" Sasori mumbled as he sauntered over with a human hanging from his tail sting. At the words, every Akatsuki member paused before bolting out of the studio of carnage! They needed that ice cream to live!

_

* * *

Next Time: "It's a Female Thing" __

* * *

Author's Note (Again): _Hope you liked it, if not, I have an Irritable Bowel you can send your complains to! HEHEHE! Once again, sorry for all delays! I will write more of this, but not till a certain amount of hits have knocked it! AAHAHAHA! Till next time…. 


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two: "It's a Female Thing!" 

**Author's Note: I'm back now, sorry the chaos so far but it's been hell here. My neighbours are not very pleasant and so I've been having a bit of trouble having a chance to eat, I've been doing exams and assignments, but I've had a few bad turns. Two weeks ago I fell out of the shower and badly bruised my knee-cap and bashed the whole of my left side pretty badly so that I couldn't walk after a while! Then on Wednesday I went to the doctors and it turns out I have a pretty bad chest infection. I'm not supposed to be doing a lot but I've put these things off for too long! It's not that I haven't done anything; it's more I haven't finished. Anyway, here's may attempts to finished all the stuff I promised in the next two weeks!!!!

* * *

**

"Holy son of a $"$!&£($"!&$("$!$$" The dawn chorus of Hidan waking up after some particularly annoying dream, or possibly a good dream echoed around the Akatsuki hide-out. It had bee a very busy week for them all so far, what with murdering a lot of people in their attempts to get the Kyubi-thing and also to make Kisame feel better. In fact that night they had all pigged out, and as the hide-out served as an in-expensive (as long as Kakuzu was not working the bar) place to have a drink and dance, they had been very busy last night.

Hidan pranced naked out of his room swearing again with a doll's head in his arms that was covered in make-up and looked like a female version of himself; he was still frothing at the mouth from the amount of swearing he'd been doing! He marched down the halls ignoring the screams from some of the other members that were waking up to dolls heads and went into the kitchen. He was grimacing and looking menacingly at Tobi, who was sitting with a seemingly happy expression slurping down some orange juice while Itachi probed the fridge for anything reasonably edible, he could be quite selective after all!

"TOBI! What the £$&& did you put a doll's head on my $&£&£$ bed for?!" He belched profanities and Tobi gave a squeal of terror and leapt under the table. Hidan clenched his teeth tightly and grabbed around for his scythe, hoping to cut Tobi's head off, or at least to use him as a sacrifice to his god. This made Itachi lift his head from the fridge, he was stuck wearing the pink-lens glasses for reading the cartons in the fridge, ever since he misread some "zookeny" (_spelling?_) fruit for Sasuke's hair and decided to torture the object for three days straight.

"Ha-ha, you're both idiots that lack….." But before Itachi's musing could finish he received a rude snap from Hidan, who was starting to open up a drawer filled with the cooking knives. His scythe seemed unable to cut the table in half and wanted to at least get a chance to use the butcher's cleaver!

"Shut up! I don't care what I lack! You're the one whose scared of being &$£ by your own little &"$ brother £"&£ Sasuke! If I had a brother that was such a little &£, I'd have gone and &££ chopped his little £$£ head off and shoved it up his &$$! You lack common sense little miss &$£$ Drama!" Hidan snarled savagely, spitting out each swear word, which for the convenience of readers has been blurred. Itachi gave a snort and returned back to the fridge.

"But Tobi did nothing Hidan-san! Tobi is a very, very good boy!" Tobi cowered beneath the table, ducking under one of the chairs as the cleaver was thrown. Hidan swore again and pulled out several large items usually the kind found around barbecue sets. At this Tobi let out a girlish scream of terror and leapt into the oven in an attempt to hide. Inside Tobi wondered suddenly why Zetsu's pride and joy, his crazy giant cooker, was big enough for eight people to sit in….

"Jashin will have your soul for be-spoiling my room! Confess your sins!" Hidan screeched as he leapt onto the table, still naked and visible to anyone passing by the kitchen window. In fact, an old woman happened to pass by and gave a squeal before fainting. He lunged to the cook and grabbed the knobs, ready to cook Tobi to get revenge, but he was suddenly stopped by the voice of doom!

"Whoa, hang on there Hidan, it wasn't Tobi's fault." The voice came from Pein as he paced into the room carrying a doll's head of his own, only this one had a blue head-piece on. At the sound of his master, Tobi's head popped out of the oven for a second, but he had to duck it back in as the last blade in Hidan's hand was aimed to take his neck off. Pein just glared at them and sat down at the table, peering around for any signs of the newspaper. "Konan's on her period again, she's left the wake-up calls in everyone's bedrooms, how she gets in at night when the doors to the rooms are locked, I don't know!"

"Yeah, it's that time of the month where we must endure four days of torture!" Itachi murmured softly, his head still buried in the refrigerator. Quickly the weasel creature spotted an odd item in a plastic casing. It was similar to a head, and it was in Kisame's area of the fridge. He blinked at it a little, checking for a label in case it was indeed the head of his annoying little brother. But this item had not label and he snorted indignantly. But as he turned to point it out to the others, his eyes started smoking at Hidan's comments.

"That's longer then Itachi usually works for! Ha!" Hidan grumbled with his head held high and his arms grabbing the ironing board to put his uniform on, after-all, if he wasn't wearing pants he was only ever wearing the robe! He did not bother to do the buttons up and the old woman outside was just standing up again outside. He snorted at Itachi's foul looked and turned toward Kisame as the shark dude came in. "Face it Itachi, unlike me, you and some of the other freaks in here can't keep yourself going for a long time. You're probably the types un-willing to experiment either!"

"Anyone want doll's head for breakfast?" Itachi questioned as he lifted up the head from a packet in the fridge. Hidan blinked at it and Kisame snorted, that had been the one in his bed. But to their surprised it was the response from Sasori that made them panic. In fact, Deidara was also a little afraid as he came in with his green-haired doll's head as Sasori's crazy response.

"Oh-boy! Another piece to turn into an evil puppet at my control!" The red-head squealed in delight as he stole everyone's doll's heads and skipped out of the room. He started singing Metallica songs on the way out, which made the others groan with annoyance.

"Riiiiighhtttt….." The leader mused slowly; he could not understand Sasori sometimes and was quite happy that he had finally retired after being beaten by a pink-bunny. Of course a lot of people assumed Sasori to be dead at the moment, but there was a reason he tended to be a puppet.

"Morning all!" Zetsu shuffled in from the back garden with a slight grin on his head and a swollen stomach, it seemed he'd had a good morning. Already he had eaten the paper-boy and quickly coughed up the news sheets for the Akatsuki members to read. This was soon followed by the mail and the mail of other people on the street; he'd eaten the male-man too. Plus he'd managed to finally eat that bloody terrier from number thirty-nine that kept pissing on him at night! "I woke up and had a baby's head by my bed of compost this morning! So I gulped it down and I'm thankful to whoever got it for me!" He grinned his blood-smothered fangs grin.

"Uhh… that was plastic Zetsu. Is your stomach going to be alright?" Tobi questioned nervously, and Zetsu shrugged gently. The others looked at him a little nervously before returning to their usual morning business. Deidara attempted to use the waffle machine, whilst Kisame looked about the freezer for some meat. Pein settled down in his rocking chair to read the news, which was a little green and eroding quite quickly. Hidan continued to stand in a proud pose, eyes closed and legs apart just to annoy his fellows.

"Where's the blue-haired woman with my flipping priceless doll collection?" Kakuzu had come in with a very angry look on his face. Usually when he was upset it was at Hidan, and usually he was holding onto boxes named 'Little Miss Cutesy'. The others stared at him with a few blinks of sheer surprise. Kakuzu had not noticed yet and was staring around to see if he could find Konan hiding under anything.

"When did you ever have priceless dolls?" Kisame snorted gently next to Deidara, they couldn't help but start sniggering over the whole thing. Admittedly the idea of Kakuzu having dolls made the other men snort too, after-all only Sasori had dolls and that was because they were puppets. Immediately the idea of Kakuzu in a little pink dress sitting at a tea-set with his lovely expensive dolls as a child came to mind. Hidan almost burnt his hand on the iron because he knocked the board about in his laughter.

"I, I, I…. Umm…." Kakuzu suddenly felt quite embarrassed by the situation, he'd never been caught out like that before! He lowered his head, his threads sliding around from his seams and turning bright red with embarrassment. He did not really know what to say. "They, they just have a lot of worth in the market these days, and I know she's ripped them up because I found the most expensive one's head in my Pyjama's today, along with some very badly finger-printed notes!"

"Pein you horrible man!" The cry of an annoyed woman prevented laughter at Kakuzu's little hobby. They all froze in fear, some of them grabbing the rest of their clothes to make sure they were fully covered, though Hidan didn't seem to care. But then there was a loud shout from amongst them, which made them all jump slightly with fear.

"&£££!" Everyone looked at Hidan for a moment, but he was busy drinking from a carton of tropical juice, the breeze from the window opening up his cloak. The men cringed and then realised that it had been Pein that had made the noise! Quickly he started shrinking under the table as the blue hair with the white flower came into view!

"Why couldn't you have got me pregnant?" Konan swore as she marched into the kitchen. The other members quickly shrank to the edges of the kitchen, each of them making sure the sharp objects were hidden from view. Even Hidan quickly chucked a few knives into the big oven, as well as Tobi the big mouth! "If you'd have gotten me pregnant when I told you to, I wouldn't have to cope with &$£$ period and these &£&££$ Kissing £&$££ Hugging £&$$ Pain!"

"We're Akatsuki! We can't spend time looking after babies! Plus the pregnancy would have been worse I'm… OW!" As Pein tried to shrink out of the way of the angered woman he was grabbed as he tried to duck under the table. Konan let him go for a quick second so she could grab the broom. Then she chased the ginger-haired leader up the stairs, whacking him several times around the head with the broom. Outside the old woman had stood up, looked in at the strange sound, Hidan had raised a hand to say hi randomly, and then woman's weak heart had give out. When Hidan finally zipped up his uniform he looked about quickly for Zetsu, the plant-man had already escaped!

* * *

It was evening, and much to their dismay, the male member of the terrifying organisation of killers had been hustled into the main meeting/ living room. They had been forced to wash their hair and turn up downstairs in bath-robes, slippers, and with towels wrapped around their hair like cone-shells. It was an amusing display that turned up for Konan, who was wearing pink items and fluffy slippers. The first to step in and be forced to sit was Pein, who was wearing a large black towel on his head, Akatsuki styled bathrobes, and slippers with lightning bolts on, he was groaning too, but a slap to the head with a magnet quickly shut him up. Next to march in was Itachi, wearing his red-lenses and looking even creepier then normal with a giant red towel emblazoned with flames, and a pair of pink bunny slippers? No one ever dared say anything; Itachi had always had those slippers due to a former girlfriend that had been murdered in a currently un-explained explosion….

Kakuzu was next to step in, a golden towel on his head, and a nice soft fluffy white bathrobe with varying currency symbols upon it. He seemed quite pleased with the leather slippers on his feet that were covered in little golden stars, why? No one really knew. Tobi was next to come in with an orange towel on his head that had smiley faces on it, like his bathrobe, and he was seemingly grinning through his mask. His slippers though had "Good Boy" sequined onto them, nothing un-natural for Tobi of course. Hidan was next to come in with a white towel on his hair, a grin on his face, a swear word in his voice, a rude word on his big fluffy white bathrobe, and the Jashin symbol upon his black slippers in silver-white thread. He was grinning as he came in with his black and red Jashin mug that was filled with cocoa, of course he was suddenly missing an arm as he passed Kakuzu's threads and Tobi was screaming from a sudden and large amount of burns. Hidan sat on the floor, swearing with annoyance as he fused his missing arm back into place and looked at the empty mug.

Deidara marched in next and he had a grin on his face as he sat down right on the other side of Konan. His hair was in the tallest tower of them all and his towel was blue with white clouds, which was slightly childish. His bathrobe was a nice yellow colour but it was splattered with tans, greens, blues, and reds where an art collage had supposedly been form. He was wearing slippers with little cuddly toy cats attached to the top of them. He grinned and chuckled a little effeminately as he extended a mouthed hand toward Konan. The blue haired wonder pulled some blue nail polish and a nail-kit from her robe pockets, immediately she began to perform a very delicate manicure procedure, which the others would have to loathingly endure too. Sasori slumped in with a pirate towel draped like a wig over his head, a "Pirates of the Caribbean" bath-robe on, and little skulls and crossbones on some black slippers. He slumped next to Tobi and growled like an angry cat. Tobi shuffled quickly toward Hidan and then at the sight of Zetsu in a bathrobe and nothing else, ushered him to come and sit down. Then lastly Kisame came in with Bob, his very large cuddly toy shark. He shuffled into the room in his sea-blue collection, smelling strongly of coconut, which encouraged Zetsu to take his knife and fork from his plant sides. But Kisame was quick to sit down next to Itachi on the sofa with Pein, Konan, and Deidara, avoiding the strange plant creature, and the chuckling from Hidan and Kakuzu.

"Ok, last time we watched that 'Two-Weeks-Notice' film and were not amused, unlike when we watched 'Miss Congeniality'. But today we'll get off our Sandra Bullock season and we'll…." Konan began, but she was interrupted by a sudden and very rude sentence from Hidan.

"Thank &££&$ Jashin! I thought we were going to have to &$& watch her films for &$&$ ever!" As Deidara's manicure was finished, Konan's legs quickly hooked around Hidan's neck and he gave a choking sound. The others watched with surprise, what was Konan doing? But then the eye-liner was removed and they grinned happily. Yet, as much as doing Hidan's make-up would be a great torture, Konan took the TV remote and clicked on the VCR. She glared at the religious nut-case and then snorted.

"We're going to watch adapted romance novels instead!" She chuckled sweetly, and there was a great cry of terror from all the men. Then the romantic music started up, they were all petrified, and Hidan was screaming a little more as his make-up was applied.

* * *

"I will always love you, Hoshi, but this world cannot embrace that fact! Until it does and our families except that the child you carry is mine, and that we are indeed married, and then we can never truly be together!" The voice was soft, gentle, and yet at the same time quite masculine. It was coming from the TV and the scene ended with the two characters snogging before the romantically sorrowful music zoomed in. The room around it was filled with sorrow, and there was tissue and tears all other the place!

"Why Takashi? WHY?" Deidara whined like a little girl. He was streaming tears even though he had been quite happily engrossed in a conversation about celebrities. His main upset being that he liked watching people kiss, and in some way watching a sad kiss was just too much for him. He almost turned to kiss Sasori as a response to the scene, seeking comfort, but the puppet master quickly ducked out of his range.

"That's so sad!" Konan sobbed as she wiped the leaking eyeliner from her face. At her side Pein's face was wrinkled with disgust, man he hated these soppy whining fests! He quickly took a tissue and dabbed at Konan's face as she thanked him a little for it. But though Konan turned to look at him with sweet eyes, the whole sorrowful seen was spoiled by a large amount of cussing from a sobbing Hidan.

"Damn that &£$($£&£&£&£&! He can't just £$ leave a pregnant £&$$££ woman like &££ that! Jashin would never let that happen! I don't want to £&$$$ believe in a £$$ world like &$& that! &£££ AH! Waa &£££! &£&$£ Hold me Kakuzu!" Hidan leapt onto Kakuzu, but the threads had come out to grab him and suspend him in the air. But even Kakuzu was just as disturbed by the flowing emotions.

"I want to sue the Film Company and author for making me cry! It was such a good and sad movie, that can't be right!" Kakuzu sobbed terribly, he took several tissues and dabbed the tears off his threads and his bathrobe. At his feet were several mugs that had held hot-chocolate and coffee, as well as a large assortment of bunny droppings and half-eaten vegetables. But there were no bunnies to be seen…

"Anyway, we were still discussing the celebrity issue…." Sasori snorted, jabbing the sleeping form of Zetsu, who had somehow managed to gain weight during the viewing. But at the same time Sasori searched about for Tobi, who was not present. He quickly gave Zetsu a big jab in the stomach and Zetsu quickly vomited Tobi up. Tobi stood and shook the enzymes from his head, a little dizzy. Zetsu cursed Sasori but then both waited for the conversation to continue; only a blubbering shark dude was drowning out everyone else, save Itachi.

"What are you crying for now Kisame? I still can't believe you've never watched one of these films before! Especially considering you read romance books all the time!" Itachi blurted out. The others stared toward the fish-man with slight grins and also a little mixing of horror. Did all the members of the Akatsuki have more complex issues?

"I read Catherine Cookson, not this stuff! This stuff is just too sad for me and anyway I've never seen a film with a sex scene in before!" Kisame had been sobbing terribly into his hands, but at the mention of the sex scene he seemed a little spooked. The members all thought back over the strange scene, some with drooling jaws, some with boredom, some with disgust, and in Hidan's case muttering about not using a scythe for protection…. Whatever that meant?

"Anyway, Konan…" Deidara snuffed and sniffed sadly. He looked toward Konan who seemed a little surprised that he'd turned to her again. Then he questioned the matter of a celebrity story she had been explaining to him, and Sasori was happier now that the whole Kisame and Itachi thing was drowned out.

"Yeah it seems his sister's been into some really hard-core robberies and might soon be put in the Bingo Book! At this rate he'll probably disown her and expect other people to go and kill her before he looks at her again! Some brothers are just really horrible. But then in the same manner I'd reckon you guys would gladly do that to me if I betrayed you!" Konan snorted and Pein grimaced slightly as she glared at him. But then Konan started more gossip.

"ENOUGH!" Hidan spewed as he stood up, whipping his bathrobe apart, making everyone scream because he wasn't wearing anything underneath it again. Zetsu vomited again and a little bunny rabbit appeared and then bounced away. One of Kakuzu's threads suddenly hit Zetsu in the nose and then two started arguing. But Hidan was finished with his annoyance. "I &$&$$ swear by my $&$£$ god &$£ Jashin, that all you &$&& celebrity people and those that £&£$£& read that £& are going to be £$&$£ killed in a £$£ violent rain of $&$££ terror!"

This caused great up-roar but Hidan was silenced by having his hair brushed and styled. This along with the make-up only made him look more feminine, and the others could not help but laugh at him. But soon Konan had decided to play spin the bottle also known as truth and dare. She placed it down and spun it around just so it managed to land on Pein. Pein was not amused as Konan grinned at him!

"TRUTH!" Pein screeched suddenly, he knew just how cruel a dare from Konan could be, so she sighed deeply. Her face dropped with the beads of sweat from his forehead. He now had been given some pearl earrings and was looking a little less dangerous as he had been given some lipstick and blush!

"Alright, what kind of bloke would you never go out with?" She questioned with a big grin on her face.

"That would have to be either Orochimaru, because he's a freaky snake thing, whose going to be killed if I see him again…." Pein continued talking about Orochimaru for a good long while and the others were quite bored. "And not only that but he does have an odd thing with snakes. Either way I wouldn't go with him or Jiraiya! Anyway it's Zetsu's turn!"

"Dare!" Zetsu grinned menacingly. But he was slightly annoyed at the result. For now he had to go and put pink flowers into his plant form and shuffle around in a colourful dress! He'd look like a deranged old lady. But swiftly he snatched the bottle, which had once contained whisky, and spun it hard. It flew from the ground and knocked Tobi to the floor.

"Truth!" Tobi grinned happily. He had a slight concussion and was staring blankly at the ceiling. There was a resounding chuckle from the deep-voiced plant, whose voice had suddenly changed to a tone similar to Tim Curry….

"Is Tobi really a good boy?" Zetsu grinned menacingly with his terribly fangs glistening with drool. He then started laughing, like Tim Curry, and was making a lot of noise before Tobi answered with a resounding nod. The bottle was spun and landed on Deidara, but not before Zetsu snorted. "Oh bother, blast this infernal twist of fate!"

"What is Deidara Senpai's perfect woman?" Tobi questioned sweetly. He blinked his eyes and looked sweetly toward the slightly shocked looking Deidara. Generally it was a subject the others wouldn't care about, but the fact that the blonde artist was nervous made all of them a little too curious.

"Uh… Well she'd have to be a little older then me at least…" Deidara started, and suddenly he realised the eyes upon him and started to stammer. "Well, small and red hair. Sort of short red hair and a very delicate face maybe? Someone that also likes a bit of art, kinda similar in looks to a female version of our one-tailed racoon's form thing or whatever!"

"Truth I guess," Sasori snorted gently with slight annoyance, he failed to see how paranoid the faces of their companions were. But Deidara asked the same question and Sasori failed to even see the giggling smiles appearing in his own description. "I'd like a younger girl, they have more energy, and maybe a Blondie too that's kinda skinny. I dunno, when I was younger I always used to have a thing for Barbie…"

"You guys &$$ suck! I'd be much £$ clearer about the $ girl of my &$$ choice!" Hidan barked at them, falling onto his back after being tripped up by a flying Tobi, why? Who knew why Tobi did anything? "If I were going to £$$ go out with a &$ girl she'd have to be a &£$$ follower of &$$ Jashin, £&$ sadistic, £$ oddly-haired, £&$ pretty face, &£$$ neat features in &£$ everyway, £&£ neat build and £&£ tummy, like mine, and most of all swear like nothing on earth!"

"Hidan, isn't that basically yourself you've described?" Kakuzu questioned curiously. But Hidan reacted badly to this and leapt in the air, pulling his scythe out again. After another blinding revelation, Kakuzu's threads held Hidan suspended in the air again. Then the pair of them started to fight again and bits of Hidan were dropping all over the floor!

"Anyway, it's landed on Zetsu again. What do you want this time plant-man?" Sasori snorted, trying hard to ignore Kakuzu and Hidan's brief argument.

"Hmmm… A dare I think might do." Zetsu snorted again, he was already a little angry about the whole dress up as a woman thing, how was he going to do that? Instead Zetsu reckoned that the others might possibly say something that would mean he could not do both and would be allowed to choose. But such a thing did not seem to want to take place!

"You can't eat any humans for a whole twenty-four hours, and no living animals either!" Sasori grinned and Zetsu's leaves rattled, he glared at Sasori and then picked up the bottle. This time he cracked it over Tobi's head before spinning it. The jagged edges aimed at Hidan and Kakuzu as they fought, and Zetsu turned back to Sasori with a grin.

"Pish-posh, it isn't as difficult as you beings seem to think it is. Anyway, Hidan it's landed on you! What would you like?" Whilst being strangled by several threads from Kakuzu, Hidan managed to cough up the words dare and so Zetsu shrugged and at his choice, Kakuzu released Hidan to laugh at him, until Hidan responded.

"Yeah, sure, I'll get a &$£$ dress in a $$ minute. But who's it going to $&$$ land on now? Oh, well it's Kakuzu! Now, $&&$ choose B&$$ch! Truth or £&$& Dare?" Hidan grinned evilly. His eyebrows wriggled and he did not seem too bothered by the blush that was starting to be put on his face.

"I'll try a dare too! I don't really want to answer any of Hidan's questions!" Kakuzu snorted gently, he knew what his 'partner' was like, anything to make him confess something stupid or show him up. Last time they'd played this game Hidan had made him give his opinion on Pein's previous girlfriend, which had caused a fight between Pein and Kakuzu, and eventually Zetsu eating the girlfriend to solve the issues! Konan had seemed pleased by it all.

"Son of a &$£$! I really want to know why I keep finding bunnies in your &$$&$£ room eating my £&£$&£$&£ bibles!" Hidan snorted, folding his arms but then grimacing as Konan put a pink origami flower into his hair. One swat at it with his scythe quickly removed it, but Konan gave him a hard thump around the head too. "Anyway, &£&$ Kakuzu you're going to have to dress up and pretend to be a prostitute for 24 hours too!"

"I think I'll just stick to pretending to be a hooker, it sounds like a chance to gain money and I don't care about the cost. Remember that time I drugged you all and filmed you in your various loony moments and sent it to a Privatised Video company? Anyone remember……" Kakuzu fell silent, a little unsure of whether to continue and dig himself a deeper grave. He simply grinned and let out a sigh of relief as Pein began talking.

"It's just Itachi and Kisame left, shall we just give them both a dare and then the lot of us go out?" Pein mused as he looked at his finger nails, which had not been painted bright yellow. The two named ninja looked at him a little nervously. What were they going to be forced into doing? Pein rubbed his hands together as he looked toward Konan, but even Pein was shocked at what was eventually suggested.

"Yes! We're all going out to the 'Swaggering Ninja' pub! After-all, it's Ladies Night and I want to see what will happen with you guys there! Of course, I'd get nothing if you were all men, so as Hidan's already going as a woman, so is Kakuzu…." But Konan was quickly interrupted in her words.

"Expensive and elegant Hooker, that is!" Kakuzu added with a slight grin on his face. The others stared at him with some shock, there was definitely something wrong with the dude made of thread and stuff. But then they could understand why a 'hooker' would be more appropriate.

"Anyway, as I said nothing will happen with nine blokes in tow, so having nine girls would be tonnes of fun! Off we go! NOW!" Konan screeched at them all, they all shrank back and were suddenly aware of the appearance of a wardrobe and some salon-like seating….

**

* * *

Coming Soon….. **

**Akatsuki Secrets – Part Three: Hidan's Nightmares! **

What will result in their trip into night-clubs all dressed as women? Who's going to be able to act like a real woman and not pretend to be a lesbian? Will Pein ever let anyone get close enough to Konan so that she can get a boyfriend? Will Zetsu ever stop eating humans? What happens when Kakuzu starts pretending to be an expensive hooker? Will Sasori, Deidara, and Tobi be alright getting drunk? Plus, what happens when someone takes a shine to Hidan and he doesn't want anything? All coming up on the next instalment, roughly around the middle of April!


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